$OKAYokay that's quite bonkers...
An ordinary man’s life spirals into escalating absurdities until he realizes he’s the punchline in a universe that’s gone completely bonkers.
An ordinary man’s life spirals into escalating absurdities until he realizes he’s the punchline in a universe that’s gone completely bonkers.
Synopsis
Mild-mannered accountant Splarg wakes to find his toaster arguing politics and his boss replaced by a sentient penguin. Each attempt to restore normalcy only amps the lunacy: gravity reverses at brunch, his ex becomes a kaiju, and the moon starts live-tweeting his thoughts. Realizing he’s trapped in a reality that treats his life as performance art, Splarg must decide whether to fight the bonkers or embrace it. Allies emerge—a conspiracy theorist barista and a dimension-hopping janitor—while antagonists are the very writers scripting his misery. As the fourth wall crumbles, Splarg hijacks the narrative, forcing creators and audience alike to confront how far they’ll go for a laugh. The film ends with the world resetting… only for Splarg to wink at the camera and mutter the title line again.
The story
Splarg’s bland routine shatters when everyday objects gain sentience and reality glitches multiply; he dismisses them as stress until his apartment folds into a sitcom set.
Allies and enemies pull him through escalating set pieces—time-loops at the DMV, musical numbers in court—while he pieces together he’s fictional entertainment for an unseen audience.
Splarg storms the writers’ room, rewrites the ending, and crashes the premiere, leaving reality on a knife-edge between chaos and whatever comes next.
The cast
A buttoned-down accountant who just wants his coffee order correct; every denial of the weird only makes it weirder.
dream cast: Paul Rudd
Barista and part-time theorist who’s been documenting glitches for years; she becomes Splarg’s guide and love interest.
dream cast: Awkwafina
Eternal custodian who mops up narrative messes across realities; offers cryptic advice and killer one-liners.
dream cast: Jeff Goldblum
Smug creator who keeps rewriting Splarg’s life for ratings; represents every force that treats people as content.
dream cast: Nicolas Cage
A tuxedoed bird who took over the accounting firm and demands quarterly chaos reports.
dream cast: Brian Cox
Dream crew
in the style of Taika Waititi — whip-smart absurdity and heart
in the style of Charlie Kaufman — meta narrative wizard
in the style of Michael Giacchino — whimsical chaos engine
Cold open
INT. SPLARG'S KITCHEN - MORNING SPLARG (30s, rumpled) pours coffee. The TOASTER pops up two slices shaped like screaming faces. TOASTER (robotic, posh) The market demands blood, Splarg. Yours or the competitor’s. Splarg stares, sighs. SPLARG Okay, that’s quite bonkers. He unplugs it. The fridge light flickers; a PENGUIN in a tiny suit waddles out holding a briefcase. PENGUIN Quarterly earnings call moved to the moon. Bring croissants. Gravity flips. Splarg floats, still clutching his mug. Coffee blobs orbit his head like tiny planets. SPLARG (quietly) I just wanted oat milk.
Why now
In an era of endless scrolling, algorithmic whiplash, and collective disbelief at daily headlines, audiences crave a cathartic, laugh-out-loud release valve that turns existential overload into pure cinematic joy.
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Screenplay draft
Title: okay that's quite bonkers... Credit: Written by Author: [Screenwriter] Draft date: Current Draft Contact: via production office FADE IN. INT. WILKINS TEA ROOM - DAY Morning light the colour of weak tea filters through lace curtains. The narrow shop holds six round tables set with bone-china cups. A white marble counter runs the length of the back wall, veined with tea stains that have darkened over years. ARTHUR WILKINS, late 50s, stands alone behind the counter. Starched white shirt. Grey cardigan with leather elbow patches. Thinning hair parted precisely. He straightens a row of bone-china cups. Each cup receives the same three-quarter turn to the right. His movements are exact, the crease between his eyebrows fixed. Behind him a single scone rotates slowly on a cooling rack. The rotation is steady, soundless. Arthur does not turn. He lifts a cloth, folds it once, and wipes a section of marble already clean. Steam rises from the kettle on the hob, a constant low whistle that never reaches a boil. The room smells of warm milk and polished silver. Arthur steps back half a pace. He checks the alignment of the cups again. The row remains perfectly straight. The scone behind him turns another quarter circle, crumbs shifting slightly on the rack. He reaches for the teapot, tests its weight, sets it down again in the exact spot it occupied. His hands move with the rhythm of a man who has performed these actions every morning for decades. The weak sunlight catches on the bone-white rims of the cups. The scone keeps rotating. Arthur adjusts the position of a teaspoon beside the nearest cup, aligning the handle with the others. He exhales once through his nose. The kettle whistle holds its single note. He walks to the end of the counter, straightens the last cup with the same three-quarter turn, then returns to his starting place. The scone has completed another full rotation. Arthur studies the cups. Nothing has moved. He folds the cloth again. Places it precisely beside the teapot. The room remains still except for the scone and the low, unending whistle of the kettle. INT. WILKINS TEA ROOM - DAY Morning light the colour of weak tea filters through lace curtains. The narrow shop holds six round tables, each with a single bone-china cup turned three-quarters clockwise. A white marble counter runs the length of the back wall, veined with faint tea stains. Bone-china cups hang in perfect rows above it. One cooling rack stands empty. ARTHUR WILKINS, 58, stands at the door in a starched white shirt and grey cardigan with leather elbow patches. His thinning hair is parted precisely. The crease between his eyebrows deepens as he turns the key in the lock. The bolt slides with a clean click. He flips the sign from CLOSED to OPEN. The cardboard edge catches on the frame for half a second before settling flat against the glass. He crosses to the counter without hurry. His practical shoes make no sound on the tiled floor. At the sink he fills the kettle to the marked line, the water rising in a steady stream that stops exactly at the ridge. He sets the kettle on the hob. The gas ignites with a soft pop. Arthur adjusts the flame until it burns a perfect blue ring. He wipes the counter with a folded cloth, moving from left to right in three even passes. Each motion leaves the marble slightly darker where the damp cloth has touched it. From the pocket of his cardigan he removes a small notebook and pencil. He writes the date at the top of a fresh page, then the word "Tuesday" beneath it. The pencil lead makes a faint scratching sound that fills the empty room. Arthur glances at the row of cups. They remain straight. He reaches up and straightens the middle one anyway, giving it the same three-quarter turn he gives every morning. The kettle begins its low whistle, not yet boiling. He stands with one hand resting on the counter, listening. The shop holds its usual quiet: the faint tick of the wall clock, the distant rattle of a delivery van on the high street, the kettle's steady note. Arthur exhales once through his nose. He folds the cloth into a precise square and places it beside the sink. Outside the window a geranium basket sways in the weak wind. Inside, nothing moves except the slow rise of steam above the kettle spout. Arthur watches the steam collect against the underside of the shelf and dissipate. He reaches for the tin of loose leaf and measures two scoops into the pot, the leaves falling in a dry rustle. The ritual continues without interruption. INT. WILKINS TEA ROOM - DAY Morning light the colour of weak tea filters through the lace curtains. Arthur Wilkins stands behind the marble counter, starched white shirt buttoned to the collar beneath his grey cardigan. He straightens a row of bone-china cups, each receiving the same three-quarter turn clockwise until the handles align at precisely the same angle. A single scone rests on the cooling rack behind him. It does not move. Arthur lifts a teapot from the hotplate, checks the temperature by the weight of the steam, and sets it down again. He wipes an invisible spot from the counter with a folded cloth, then folds the cloth into a perfect square and places it beside the till. The kettle begins its low, steady whistle. The doorbell chimes once, a clean, ordinary sound. A customer enters wearing a sensible navy overcoat and carrying a folded black umbrella. Arthur registers the arrival with a small nod but does not pause in his preparations. He selects a cup and saucer, pours the tea in one smooth motion, adds the exact measure of milk, and sets the cup on the counter without a splash. ARTHUR WILKINS One tea, milk, no sugar. The customer accepts the cup, pays with exact change, and takes a seat at the nearest table. Arthur records the transaction in the ledger with the same measured stroke of the pen he has used every morning for twenty-three years. He returns the cloth to its square, adjusts the cardigan sleeves at the elbow patches, and glances once at the row of cups to confirm they remain straight. Outside the window the high street stays quiet under the overcast sky. Inside, the only sounds are the kettle's continuing whistle and the faint clink of spoon against saucer as the customer stirs. Arthur stands with his hands resting on the counter edge, posture exact, waiting for the next order that will surely arrive on schedule. INT. WILKINS TEA ROOM - DAY Morning light the colour of weak tea filters through the lace curtains. Arthur Wilkins stands at the marble counter, turning each bone-china cup exactly three-quarters of an inch so the handles align. Steam rises from the kettle on the hob. A single scone rests on the cooling rack, motionless for now. The doorbell chimes once, a clean brass note. Betty Hargrove steps inside, floral apron already tied over her faded blue dress. Flour dusts the backs of her hands. She pauses by the door to unpin her hair, then gathers it again with the tortoiseshell clip. BETTY HARGROVE Morning, Arthur. The milkman's late again. Said the van wouldn't start. ARTHUR WILKINS (without looking up) It started yesterday. BETTY HARGROVE Well it won't today. He was pushing it when I passed. (she dusts her palms together over the bin) You left the ledger open last night. I closed it before the pages curled. ARTHUR WILKINS The pages don't curl if the counter stays level. Betty moves behind the counter, shoulder to shoulder with him now. She lifts a cloth and begins wiping the already spotless surface, her movements quick where his are deliberate. BETTY HARGROVE Table four's booked for elevenses. Mrs. Cole and her sister. They always ask for the same pot. ARTHUR WILKINS The one with the hairline crack. BETTY HARGROVE Exactly. I told her we'd keep it for her. (she glances at the rotating scone, then away) You haven't touched your tea yet. ARTHUR WILKINS It isn't ready. The kettle gives a low, steady whistle that never quite reaches a boil … (sign in to read + edit the full draft)
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